An Unmeasured Approach: The NYTimes' Spinach Artichoke Dip

The NYTimes' has a great low-carb, keto-friendly recipe for spinach artichoke dip. Hooray!Unfortunately, in my hunger and excitement, I did not have the patience to measure out the ingredients. So, for this meal (Ben and I ate it for dinner – he with bread and potato chips, I with a lowcarb tortilla and strips of bacon), I kinda just eyeballed the amounts until I thought things looked (and tasted) good.Find the recipe here. A couple more pics of how mine turned out, plus a couple of notes after the cut.The NYT's recipe suggests you can eat the dip without baking, but baking makes it SO MUCH BETTER. For maximum surface area, I spread the dip into a large pie pan, sprinkled heavily with parmesan cheese, and popped it under the broiler for 10 minutes.Look how yummy! I took a video of this bubble gooey-ness, but it's pretty NSFW. I have it saved to my desktop in a folder named "Normal Stuff Not Porn." Why do people always wanna look in there? It's just normal stuff, not porn. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯It's easy to go overboard and just pour the whole damn pie pan of dip into your mouth, but I'm a goddamn lady, so I don't fuck with that shit. Instead, I made things ever the more complicated by making a little bowl out of a low-carb tortilla and filling it with dip. I wanna say it was about portion control, but really it was about claiming the majority for myself. Snooze lose, Ben!I wish I could have some right now, but we ate it all. I finally I understand that saying about having your cake and eating it too. They should change it to "spinach artichoke dip." More folks would get it.Anywho, hope you're swell!

Quickie Trick for Reheating Leftovers: Salami Cups

Not exactly a recipe, but here's a little something I made for breakfast the other day – leftovers reheated in little cups made of salami. Just pop the salami in a muffin tin, fill with whatever low-carb, keto-friendly leftover you have on hand, top with cheese, and pop in the a 350 degree oven for ten minutes until the cheese has melted and the leftovers are reheated. More pics after the cut.

What I used for filling: leftover cauliflower (no) mac and cheese. I made the cauliflower mac the night before with two types of cauliflower, heavy cream, and a cheese sauce of mozzarella, romano, and cheddar.

Low-Carb Keto Green Chile Bake

Lately, I've been attempting more vegetarian dishes in the hopes of finding foods that Ben and I both can eat. Here's a dish that has been a big hit with him. I've made it twice already and he seems to really enjoy it. :)

INGREDIENTS

For the Green Chile Bake...

• 16 oz whole green chiles, canned
• 4 oz sliced jalapeños
• 4 cups grated “Mexican Blend” cheese
• 5 eggs
• .25 cup heavy whipping cream
• .25 tsp. ground cumin
• .25 tsp. chili powder
• salt and pepper to taste

For the Quickie Guacamole...

• 2 medium avocados
• 2 cloves of garlic
• .5 white onion – .25 for the guacamole, .25 alone as a topping
• salt and pepper to taste

INSTRUCTIONS

For the Green Chile Bake...

• Preheat your oven to 375 degrees
• Prep a casserole dish by spraying with nonstick cooking spray, or greasing with olive oil
• Place the whole green chiles in a colander and allow to drain in the sink at least 10 minutes
• Beat your eggs
• Add heavy whipping cream to eggs and continue to beat
• Add cumin and chili powder to the egg and cream mixture and mix
• Season the mixture with salt and pepper, to taste
• Set aside and get back to those chiles!
• Using your fingers, split open each chile and remove any remaining seeds
• Place the chiles onto dry paper towels to remove any remaining moisture – for this many chiles, you'll probably need to do this twice.
• Press a layer of paper towel on top of the chiles to absorb moisture from both sides
• Set aside while the magic of absorption occurs and go make guacamole (Instructions below.)
• Layer green chiles along the bottom of the casserole dish – you may have to break apart your chiles to fit in corners for an even layer
• Cover this layer in cheese – about a third of the total 4 cups per layer
• Place another layer of green chiles on top of the cheese layer, setting aside any extra chiles.
• Cover the second layer of chiles with cheese.
• Dice any remaining green chiles.
• Place a layer of jalapenos and remaining diced green chiles over the cheese.
• Top with remaining cheese
• Pour the beaten egg mixture evenly over the entire dish. Note: The mixture will NOT cover the bake completely
• Cover the dish with foil and bake for 15 minutes
• After 15 minutes, remove foil and continue to bake for an additional 25 minutes
• Allow to cool slightly before serving alongside guacamole, sour cream, diced onions, and Tapatio!

For the Quickie Guacamole...

• Peel and press the garlic cloves and place garlic into a large bowl
• Finely chop the onion. Place half of the chopped onions in the large bowl with the garlic, the other half in a small bowl to use as a topping later.
• Peel and pit the avocados and add to the large bowl
• Mash the avocado, garlic, and onion mixture with a fork
• Season with salt and pepper to taste
• Set aside in the fridge until your Green Chile Bake is ready to be eaten

Boom! There you have it.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION

For the Green Chile Bake...

Makes about 8 servings. Stats per serving:

• Calories: 281
• Fat: 22g
• Net Carbs: 1g
• Protein: 17g

For the Quickie Guacamole...

Makes about 6 servings. Stats per serving:

• Calories: 83
• Fat: 7g
• Net Carbs: 2g
• Protein: 1g

I could eat this once a week. So good. If you give it a shot, let me know how it turns out for you!

IMAGES

Pictures of the process might help you make sense of the instructions! LMK!

Low-Carb Pumpkin Custards with Whipped Cream

Let's not kid ourselves: the crust is the best part of the pumpkin pie. It's typically the best part of any pie. But, if you're going keto or low-carb or have thing for self-denial, here's a pretty tasty alternative.

Ingredients

For the custard...

• .5 cups pumpkin puree
• 5 Tbsp Xylitol
• 1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice
• 3 whole large eggs
• .5 cup heavy whipping cream

For the whipped cream topping... 

• .25 cup of heavy whipping cream
• 1 tbsp Xylitol
• .5 tsp vanilla extract

Instructions

For the custard...

• Preheat your oven to 300 degrees. Boil some water.
• Using a stand mixer (or large bow and an immersion blender), mix the pumpkin, xylitol, and pumpkin pie spice together until smooth.
• Add the eggs and continue mixing.
• Finally, add the heavy whipping cream and continue to mix until you reach an even consistency.
• Pour your mixture into individual ramekins. Tip: you can use a measuring cup to ensure your serving sizes are even.
• Place the ramekins in a deep roasting pan and place the pan (with the ramekins in it) in the oven.
• Pour boiling water into the pan until the water reaches halfway up the side of the ramekins. This water bath prevents the outsides of your custard from over cooking while the interior of the custard continues to cook.
• Bake for 45 minutes or until custards are just short of firm. There should be a slight jiggle to the custards, but a toothpick or skewer placed into the center of the custard should come out clean. The custards will firm up after they come out of the oven and even more so if you leave them in the fridge for a few hours/overnight.
• Remove the pan from the oven and allow ramekins to cool on a cooling rack. When ramekins reach room temperature, cover and refrigerate for at least a few hours or even overnight.
• Top with whipped cream before serving!

For the whipped cream...

• combine heavy whipping cream, xylitol, and vanilla extract in a large bowl
• whip with a whisk until you reach your desired fluffiness
• dollop onto the center of your custard and dust with cinnamon

Some more pics... Your mixture may look a little pale before it goes into the oven. That's okay! It will darken as it cooks.I didn't have a skewer or a toothpick, so I used the thin end of a chopstick to test firmness. Not the best choice, obviously. Luckily, I was covering up the center with whipped cream anyway.And, the finished product once again... Ta-da!

Nutritional Info

You should get 6 servings out of this. The numbers per serving are:For the custard...

• Calories: 255 
• Fat: 27g
• Protein: 3g
• Net Carbs: 7g

For the whipped cream...

• Calories: 40
• Fat: 4g
• Protein: 0g
• Net Carbs: 0g

Hope you enjoy! 

What to Do with Leftover Turkey: Keto Broccoli Mushroom Bake

Got leftover turkey? Here's a quickie recipe to add some variety to the endless turkey-based meal slog that is the week after Thanksgiving.I ordered a six-pound turkey. I received a nine-pound turkey. This is too much turkey. Honestly, six was already pushing it for a household of two where one person is a vegetarian.I have too much turkey and I need to do stuff with it. Here's what I did this morning. Most of this was winging it with ingredients I had on hand and there was no measuring involved. So, do as you feel! Be yourself! Motivational slogans!

Ingredients

• leftover turkey, shredded by fork. I shredded up enough to cover the bottom of a small baking dish.
• leftover cream of mushroom soup. I made some yesterday, but canned is fine.
• 1 medium broccoli bunch – roughly chopped and cleaned.
• hella parmesan cheese, grated

Instructions

• preheat your oven to 350 degrees
• line your baking dish with a layer of shredded turkey
• mix half your broccoli into your cream of mushroom soup
• pour the mixture over the turkey
• sprinkle remaining broccoli over the mixture
• sprinkle parmesan over everything
• bake for 25-30 minutes

Pics of how the layers go down...

Still more turkey to go, of course! Any suggestions for recipes would be greatly appreciated! 

Easy Keto Cream of Mushroom Soup

I like mushrooms. I made soup.Not exactly sure what happened, but somehow I ended up with 1.5 lbs of white mushrooms. My best guess is that over the several trips to the store that preceded the Thanksgiving holiday, I saw some mushrooms and thought it would be a good idea to grab some. So, I grabbed some, repeatedly, at least 4 times.And that's how I ended up making my very first batch ever of cream of mushroom soup.

Ingredients

• 1.5 lbs white mushrooms  – cleaned and sliced
• 6 tbs butter – picked up some amazing cultured butter from Achadinha Cheese Company at CUESA's Ferry Plaza Farmers Market
• 3 cups vegetable broth
• .75 cups heavy cream
• 2 tsp of garlic powder
• several sprigs of fresh thyme
• salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

• In a large pot, sauté mushrooms in butter, season with salt, pepper, thyme, and garlic powder until browned.
• Add vegetable broth to pot, stir, and bring to a simmer.
• With an immersion blender, purée the mixture.
• Once the mixture reaches your desired level of smoothness/chunkiness, stir in the cream.
• Bring your soup back up to temperature and enjoy!

Nutrition

Makes about 6 generous servings of soup. Per serving... 

• Calories: 257
• Fat: 23 grams
• Protein: 9 grams
• Net Carbs: 5 grams

More pics for your viewing pleasure...

Really enjoyed the finished product! Lemme know if you give it a shot, I'd love to know how it works out for you!

Super Simple Sugar-Free No-Cook Keto Vegan Coconut Chocolate Pudding

Hey, Keto friends. Do you miss desserts? I miss desserts. I miss them so much. I wanna eat a great big bowl of rocky road ice cream on top of a pair of eclairs, topped with some profiteroles and, oh, I dunno... a tub of hot fudge. That sounds like a nice treat.Anywho, to scratch that dessert itch, I've been experimenting with keto-friendly desserts. Here's my attempt at a chocolate pudding. It's super simple, super quick, and requires absolutely no cooking! Let me know what you think!

Super Simple Sugar-Free No-Cook Keto Vegan Coconut Chocolate Pudding

Ingredients

• 1 can of full-fat organic coconut milk
• 3 Tbsp., cocoa powder
• 1 Tbsp., sugar-free maple syrup
• .5 tsp., vanilla extract
• a dash of sea salt to taste
• a sprinkling of cayenne pepper

Instructions

1. Refrigerate your can of coconut milk over night. 
2. Separate the coconut milk solids from the remaining liquid. Set liquid aside.
3. Combine all ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer.
4. Beat the mixture until you get a nice, pudding-like consistency. If you find the mixture to be too dry, add a tablespoon or two of the coconut milk liquids to the mixture to loosen it up.
5. Transfer your completed pudding into little jars to refrigerate and eat later! Or, dig right in and enjoy!

Nutritional Info Per Serving

This recipe made about 3 servings for me – each about the size of a typical individual pudding cup. It's very rich, so a small serving is all you need.

• Calories: 250
• Fat: 25g
• Protein: 3g
• Carbs: 8g
• Dietary Fiber: 2g

Some pics of the process!

Before eating, I sprinkled some coconut flakes and cayenne pepper over the pudding for just a little added texture and heat. I think it turned out great, but I'd LOVE to know what you think! Chocolate desserts can be so divisive! Is this recipe sweet enough? Chocolate-y enough? Try it out and let me know!  

Keto Spinach & Cheddar Soufflé

I love meat. I adore it. There is no time of day – sleeping, showering, jury duty – when I couldn't go for a nice grass-fed ribeye. But, I acknowledge that there are folks out there who prefer their eats a little less "moo" and a lot more "imperceptible sound of plant growth." In fact, one of those people has been my boyfriend for the past 17 years. (Life is weird sometimes. I've learned to stop asking questions.)So, for him and several of my similarly meat-averse friends, I've decided to attempt some vegetarian keto cooking. This spinach soufflé was my first experiment. I thought it was damn delicious, frankly. That boyfriend guy liked it, too.

Relatively Simple Spinach & Cheddar Soufflé

Ingredients

The dish itself:

• 3 egg yolks
• 5 egg whites
• 1/2 tsp., cream of tartar
• 3 Tbsp., butter
• 3 Tbsp., almond flour
• 1 cup, heavy cream
• 1 cup, shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 bag, frozen chopped spinach (thawed and wrung out thoroughly)
• salt and pepper to taste

And for prepping the ramekins (I used six individual 6-ounce ramekins, but you can use one great big dish, if you prefer):

• butter 
• grated parmesan cheese

Instructions

Prep:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease the insides of your ramekins (or large, oven-safe dish) with butter.
3. Dust the greased ramekins (or dish) with grated parmesan cheese and set aside
4. Separate the eggs, placing the whites in the (very clean, super dry) bowl of your stand mixer. Yolks can go in any old bowl.
5. Add cream of tartar to mixing bowl and set aside.

Sauce:

1. In a large pan, melt 3 Tbsp of butter over medium-high heat until it begins to bubble.
2. Add the almond flour to the pan, stirring constantly to develop a smooth roux.
3. Add the cream to the pan and continue to cook the mixture, stirring, stirring, stirring until smooth and thickened.
4. Add the cheddar cheese and continue to stir, until the cheese has melted into the sauce.
5.  Add the spinach to the sauce and stir some more. So much stirring.
6. Season the spinach/cheese sauce mixture with salt and pepper to taste. You can season it pretty strongly at this point, as the final mixture will be diluted somewhat by the addition of eggs.
7. Set aside to work on the eggs.

Eggs:

1. Beat the egg whites in a stand mixer until they form soft peaks. I've heard other folks say that the whites should cling to the bowl as you roll it around in your hands. Still other folks say to whip them to firm peaks. I went somewhere in the middle.
2. Add the yolks to the spinach/cheese sauce mixture and stir.
3. Very gently fold your egg whites into spinach/cheese sauce mixture. I did this in two steps. First, I added about a quarter of the whites to the saucepan and folded gently. Then, I poured the entire mixture into the mixing bowl with the whites and continued to fold.

Bake:

1. Once folded together, pour the completed mixture into your prepped ramekins/dish. You can place the ramekins on a single baking sheet to simplify the baking (and cleaning) process.
2. Bake in your preheated oven for 30-40 minutes, until risen and golden brown. Important: DO NOT open the oven until at least 30 minutes have passed!
3. Remove from oven, allow to cool for a few minutes (the soufflés will deflate slightly) and serve!

Nutritional Info Per Serving

This recipe made about 6.5 servings for me. I baked the remaining .5 in a small oven-safe bowl.

• Calories: 358
• Fat: 28g
• Protein: 17g
• Carbs: 4g
• Dietary Fiber: 0g

And how about some pics from the whole soufflé-making process?

I think it turned out pretty well for a first attempt! I wish they had gotten a puffier. Perhaps I should have used milk instead of cream? Or dried the spinach more thoroughly? Or cleaned the mixing bowl better? Or beaten the whites harder? I will try the recipe again in the future and see how it all shakes out.If you give this recipe a shot, please let me know how it turns out for you and what you may do to alter it! I'd love to know!Hope you're doing super!

Winner Winner Chicken Lunch

I couldn't think of a clever preamble to this recipe. I considered referencing Food, Inc. and the terror of chickens it instilled in me. Then, I considered a reference to the amazing Jacques Pépin, his apparent love of chicken, and the recently released Jacques Pépin: The Art of Craft from the American Masters series.But, you know what? This is simple food. Let's give it a simple post. Fuck it.

Pan-Fried Chicken Thigh on Mushrooms à la Crème

Ingredients

• 1 chicken thigh, skin and bone intact
• 1 cup white mushrooms, cleaned and sliced
• 1 Tbsp., crème fraîche
• 1 tsp., freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1 tsp., fresh thyme leaves
• .5 tsp., fresh lemon zest
• salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

1. Preheat your oven to 175 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Prepare your chicken thigh. Place the thigh, skin-side down on a cutting surface. With a knife, cut slits along either side of the thigh bone. This will help the meat cook more evenly/quickly by exposing more of its surface to heat.
3. Season the thigh on both sides with salt and pepper.
4. Place the thigh skin-side down in an unheated nonstick pan, then turn the heat to high. Do not add heat until the meat is in the pan!
5. When you hear the thigh begin to sizzle, reduce the heat to medium, cover the pan, and continue cooking for about 15-18 minutes.
6. Check your meat. Make sure it's not sticking to the pan. If the skin's browning too quickly, reduce the heat to low, recover, and continue to cook.
7. Once cooked, transfer the chicken to a heat-safe dish and pop it into your preheated oven to keep warm while you cook the mushrooms.
8. On the stove, turn the heat up to high and add mushrooms to the pan, sautéeing in the rendered chicken fat. Season with salt and pepper.
9. Once mushrooms are tender, stir in crème fraîche, lemon juice, and lemon zest until mushrooms are well coated and the mixture is heated through.
10. Before plating, sprinkle mushrooms with some fresh thyme and top with your chicken thigh.
11. Nom away!

Nutritional Info

Pan-Fried Chicken Thigh (about 4oz):

• Calories: 260
• Fat: 16g
• Protein: 28g
• Carbs: 0g
• Dietary Fiber: 0g

Mushrooms à la Crème:

• Calories: 185
• Fat: 18g
• Protein: 2g
• Carbs: 4g
• Dietary Fiber: 1g

Notes

• How can you tell the chicken is cooked? If you have a meat thermometer, look for an internal temperature of 165°F. Otherwise, you can generally tell that the meat is cooked when its juices run clear, rather than red (tinged with blood).
• You can definitely cook more than one chicken thigh at once. I'm just using the one here because 1) my fiancé is a vegetarian and particularly hates even the smell of chicken and 2) the best part about this dish is the crispy skin! I prefer to cook only what I'll eat immediately, so the skin remains crisp, as opposed to soggy after storing and reheating.
• Our friend Deb just suggested using a metal colander to cover the chicken while it's cooking on the stove. This will allow some of the moisture to dissipate, preventing soggy skin!

Ooh, how about some pics?

Enjoy!

Juicey (Lamb) Lucy

I've found it pretty easy to get stuck in a ground-meat rut on this Keto diet – it's cheap and easy and reasonably fatty. So, the other day, I challenged myself to do something a bit more interesting and a lot more photogenic. And, it's still super easy! Here's my ground lamb version of the classic Jucy Lucy on a little arugula salad.

Ingredients

• 4 oz, ground lamb (grass-fed if you can get it!)
• 2 Tbsp., feta cheese
• .5 cup arugula (washed and dried)
• 1 Tbsp., arugula blossoms
• 1 tsp., chia seeds
• 1 tsp., olive oil
• .25 tsb., sherry vinegar
• salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

1. Divide ground lamb into two roughly even patties.
2. Season both sides of each patty with salt and pepper.
3. Create a small divot in one pattie, using your knuckles or a spoon. It doesn't need to be deep. You're just making a little home for your cheese.
4. Drop 1 Tbsp. of feta cheese into the divot.
5. Place remaining pattie over the first and gently pat down edges to seal the patties together. Just tuck that feta in, all snug and comfy.
6. Cook the combined patty in a frying pan over medium heat – roughly four minutes per side. Due to the fattiness of the lamb, you probably won't need to add any oil. But, feel free to add a dash of olive oil if you care to.
7. While your Jucy Lamb Lucy is cooking, combine arugula, arugula blossoms, sherry vinegar, chia seeds, remaining olive oil, and remaining feta cheese in a bowl and toss lightly. Season with salt and pepper to your preference
8. Place the salad onto a dish.
9. Place the Jucy Lamb Lucy over your salad.
10. Enjoy!

Nutritional Information

Lamb Jucy Lucy:

• Calories: 351
• Fat: 26g
• Protein: 24g
• Carbohydrates: 1g
• Dietary Fiber: 0g

Little Arugula Salad:

• Calories: 137
• Fat: 12g
• Protein: 5g
• Carbohydrates: 3g
• Dietary Fiber: 2g

Picture time!

As always, I'd love to know what you think of the recipe! And, I'd love to hear about any keto lamb recipes of your own! Help me! :P

Keto Baking is Hard

Despite all the benefits this keto lifestyle has provided, goddammit do I miss baked goods.So, this weekend, I tried my hand at two different baked goods – one savory, one sweet. The verdict? Maybe keto baking isn't for me. :(Still, I took some pictures and thought I'd share my failure all the same.First up, a savory coconut flour biscuit based loosely off this recipe. Rather than garlic and cheese, I went with sage, hazelnuts, and duck fat – I replaced half the butter called for with an equal amount of duck fat (about 2 Tbsp.) It went a little something like this:

VERDICT: Ehhh...  Everything smelled incredible, but the cookies themselves were dry and gritty. Again, I think I messed up with the amount of flour, so that's on me. Both the cookies and the spread had a noticeable tang of sugar substitute (I used Stevia in the Raw.) Perhaps I'm just too new to keto to appreciate a good sugar substitute (I still remember what real sugar tastes like), or I'm just using the wrong ones.While this weekend's experiments in keto baking were certainly fun and educational, I feel the overwhelming lesson was that keto baking is hard and I suck at it. I have a lot of learning left to do. 

Brocc-iflower Soup. Get hype.

You ever buy a bunch of vegetables thinking: "Oh, man. I'm going to eat so healthy! Vegetables are amazing and I am a person who eats them!" and then a week later you still have mounds of untouched broccoli and cauliflower in your fridge?Well, here's a soup you can make with that untouched broccoli and cauliflower. Hell, you might even go to the store and just pick some up – this nonsense is pretty fucking tasty. (Though all the heavy cream may have something to do with it, but, whatever: #ketolife, ya'll.)Here's what you'll need and how to put it all together...

Ingredients

NOTE: I'm separating the ingredients into two parts: the first part for what I consider to be the "prepping" stage, the second for what I'll call the "souping" stage.PART ONE: PREPPING

• 1 small head, raw cauliflower – about 7 oz., cleaned and separated into florets (chopped stems are tasty, too!)
• 1 small head, raw broccoli – about 7oz., cleaned and separated into florets (again, I like to include chopped stems!)
• 6 Tbsp., crème fraîche
• 6 Tbsp., water or broth of your choosing
• 6 Tbsp, heavy whipping cream

PART TWO: SOUPING

• .75 cup., water or broth
• 11 Tbsp., heavy whipping cream
• 1 tsp., raw lemon juice
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 tsp., olive oil as garnish for "marbling"

Instructions

NOTE: I was inspired by an old video to try my hand at "marbling" the soup. If you'd like to try it, too, keep your cauliflower and broccoli separate at all times. I'll add some tips/notes below to help with this.

1. Steam cauliflower and broccoli until soft. I did this in a steamer basket on the stove in two batches (one cauliflower, one broccoli.)
2. Pulse steamed vegetables in a food processor, just enough to even out the larger chunks. Your veggies will get plenty of pulsing as you add the liquids.
   • SEPARATE SOUPS: Pulse separately and remember to clean your food processor between batches to keep your colors clean.
3. Add "prepping" liquids to the food processor – crème fraîche, water/broth, and whipping cream – and pulse to incorporate. The mixture should not yet be "soupy" in consistency, but more like a paste. A delicious vegetable paste.
   • Feel free to use less of the liquid ingredients per your taste, but I recommend keeping equal parts crème fraîche to water/broth to cream. 
   • If you're keeping cauliflower and broccoli separate and processing in batches, halve the ingredients between the two batches.
4. Transfer mixture to saucepan and heat over medium-low heat.
   • SEPARATE SOUPS: Use separate saucepans!
5. Add "souping" liquids to saucepan, stirring to incorporate. Again, you can deviate from the numbers used above to get your preferred consistency, but equal parts of each works well.
   • SEPARATE SOUPS: Divide the souping liquids between the two soups!
6. Salt, pepper, stir to taste.
7. Add a squeeze of lemon juice for a little brightness.
   • SEPARATE SOUPS: Add lemon juice only to the broccoli soup.
8. If you find your soup a little too slack, continue to cook over medium-low heat until the soup has reduced down to your preferred consistency. Otherwise...
9. Plate and enjoy!

Instructions for "Marbling"

I pretty much winged it here. But, here's what I did:

1. Pour broccoli soup into bowl.
2. Pour cauliflower soup into the center of the bowl, forming a white circle within the green, like some kind of fancy soup barista.
3. Drag the thin end of a clean chopstick through the cauliflower soup and into the broccoli, forming a design.
4. Using a clean eyedropper (I know, this is getting super fussy) place several drops of olive oil throughout the cauliflower section of the soup.
5. Again, drag the clean chopstick through the soup, this time in the opposite direction.
6. Continue to fiddle until you get a design you like.

Here are two more attempts I made at fiddling with soup...[gallery ids="6974,6975" type="square" columns="2"]

Nutritional Info

This recipe provided about 6 half-cup servings. The following numbers are per serving:

• Calories: 207
• Fat: 21g
• Protein: 2g
• Carbohydrates: 5g
• Fiber: 1g

Be advised that all that marbling fussiness is entirely unnecessary. I just thought it was fun. Also, it was kinda neat to be able to dip a spoon in and taste the soups separately. You can totally make the soup completely integrated from the start. In fact, after taking a few pictures, I combined the soups into a single container to keep in the fridge. Over the next few days, I reheated the soup in a small saucepan and garnished with shaved parmesan cheese, chopped basil leaves, or shredded cheddar. Good times.I really just made this all up as I went along, but am super happy with the results. If you try it yourself, I'd love to hear from you!

Lah-Dee-Dah: Lavender Vanilla Whipped Mascarpone Cream

Sometimes I want to feel like a fancy lady, living a fancy life with fancy accoutrements and a fancy penchant for using words like "accoutrements" and "penchant," which I fancily pronounce "ah-coo-trrrrruh-mahhhh" and "pawwwn-shawwwn," respectively.These are momentary lapses in an otherwise average daily life. But, when I get that itch, I scratch it. It was during just such an itch that I made this surprisingly lah-dee-dah-tasting lavender vanilla whipped mascarpone cream dessert thingie.It is yummy and fancy and easy to make and I wish I had some right now, but I already ate it. It goes great with drinking tea and watching British period pieces. If you'd like to try it, here's how:

Ingredients

• 0.25 cup(s), mascarpone cheese
• 1 Tbsp, heavy whipping cream
• 1 tsp, xylitol (or sugar-free sweetener of your choosing. I used xylitol because I accidentally ordered a huge bag of it because I don't understand math.)
• 1 tsp(s), dried, ground lavender flowers (I used the flowers of from three stems.)
• 1 tsp (4g), sugar-free vanilla extract

Instructions

1. Remove lavender flowers from their stems
2. Grind lavender with a mortar and pestle, coffee grinder (I used this one), or food processor
3. Combine all ingredients in a bowl
4. Beat ingredients with a whisk just until firm peaks form (be careful not to over do it!)
5. Plate and sprinkle with additional whole lavender flowers

Nutritional Info

• Calories: 308
• Fat: 30g
• Protein: 4g
• Fiber: 0g
• Carbohydrates: 5g

Notes

• This recipe makes a single serving because–who am I kidding–I am generally alone. But, you could easily double the measurements to serve two because you are a better person than I am and hang out with other people from time to time. Good job.
• The drier your lavender the more potent it will be. I was pretty generous with it because I'd just bought the lavender fresh over the weekend. Add lavender slowly to your taste.

If you attempt this recipe, please let me know how it turns out! I'm very much still learning to cook and could certainly use any tips, pointers, feedback you'd care to share.

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

I've learned many of life's greatest lessons from The Simpsons, and chief among them is this: You don't win friends with salad. It's a timeless truism with a catchy beat you can dance to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6Kj17oVHAkFor me, these were words to live by for the better part of two decades. But, things change. To paraphrase a different Homer: yet, taught by time, my heart has learned that maybe salads aren't the worst. "Eating keto" has challenged many of my assumptions about food and its effects on my mind and body. So much so, in fact, that I find myself asking: Do I really need friends anyway?Meh.Here's a salad I made this weekend with stuff I found at the Ferry Plaza Farmers Market:

Ingredients:

• 1 Oz of crumbled Point Reyes Bay Blue cheese
• 2 tsp of olive oil
• 2 tsp of pumpkin seeds
• .25 cup dandelion greens
• .25 cup bloomsdale spinach
• .50 cup sweet mixed greens
• 1 Tbsp borage blossoms
• 1 Tbsp arugula blossoms
• 1 pinch of sea salt

Instructions:

1. Remove blossoms from borage and arugula stems. Since I was eating everything raw, I saved the borage stems and leaves (covered in very fine bristles) for later use in a tea.
2. Thoroughly wash and dry all greens, including blossoms. Like a weirdo, I washed each ingredient separately using the steel version of this salad spinner.
3. Toss greens with olive oil and a pinch of sea salt in a large bowl.
4. Sprinkle salad with crumbled blue cheese and pumpkin seeds before serving.
5. You can also add a drizzle of balsamic vinegar if you're so inclined, but it's typically too sugary for keto and, personally, I wanted to taste all the individual ingredients. (Also, I couldn't stop at four steps because four is the worst number.)

Nutritional information:

• Calories 266
• Total Fat 23g
  • Saturated Fat 9g
  • Monounsaturated Fat 7g
  • Polyunsaturated Fat 1g
  • Trans Fat 0g
• Total Carbohydrate 7g
  • Dietary Fiber 2 g
  • Sugars 0 g
• Protein 16 g

Super tasty, super fatty, reasonably low carb, but the big draw for me was the opportunity to eat flowers – borage and arugula blossoms. There's gotta be some sort of "if I eat them, I become them" thing where, if I eat pretty things, I become a pretty thing, right? I'm fairly certain this is how science works.But also, I was told by the seller that borage is rich in omega-3s and amino acids. They had a sign and everything:And, who am I to question a sign? (Aside: I may do a little research. Be on the lookout for an upcoming series of food-related posts called "The Fuck Is This?")The most expensive part of this meal was the cheese at $7 for roughly five ounces. I spent $6.50 on the greens, and they should provide at least another three salads and a half-dozen teas.Bonus! No friends means no sharing which means more food for me. Win, win, win.

I Don't Brain Good, But I Can Food

Last year I suffered a pretty significant head injury. The immediate side-effects were severe, but short-lived–a few weeks of drastic mood swings, sensitivity to light/stimuli, dizziness, nausea. But, the long-term side-effects, however mild by comparison, were nagging and constant: consistent, daily headaches and a foul mood. I developed a little habit of multiple-times-daily Advil consumption, sometimes taking 12 capsules or more per day. (Aside: For those who have experienced TBI, don't worry! I only took Tylenol in the few months immediately following the injury, switching to Advil much later because my stomach didn't tolerate Tylenol well.)I will happily admit that, as habits go, downing a bunch of Advil every day is probably not the worst, but, for me, it was unusual.So, it was on one of these "or more" days when I fell down a Google rabbit hole and discovered the ketogenic diet. In fact, it was this old Reddit post in particular that piqued my interest. I looked at research. I read some articles. I felt very badly for a bunch of male rats who were given traumatic brain injuries. And, I decided to give keto a try.That was about four weeks ago. In those four weeks, I have taken Advil exactly twice–once after a particularly bad day of epic crying and dehydration, and the next day after searching for fucks to give but only finding cupcakes.What's more, my energy levels are insane now. Seriously. Weird and probably annoyingly high levels of omg omg omg yay yay yay. I don't feel tired, despite sleeping less. I skip around the house singing songs and suddenly, randomly building furniture. And, I've lost 14 lbs.One thing I've done with all this excess energy and time is start learning to cook. I've been documenting my meals occasionally on my Instagram. Here are some now.

Per the suggestion of the wonderful and lovely Candace Honey Kennedy, I'm going to start posting all this nonsense here with the inclusion of, you know, like, recipes and instructions. This whole keto thing has been terrific for me. Maybe it will help some other folks, too.See you around, clowns!Marie

Snack Attack: Roasted Brussels Sprouts

sprouts

Here's a phrase I'd never thought I'd write: "Man, I could sure go for some brussels sprouts right now."I never had brussels sprouts growing up. They were as exotic and mysterious to me as so many other staples of the average American household –casseroles, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, meals eaten without rice... all so baffling and alien. Naturally, I made it my mission to expand my horizons by seeking out these foods. Soon, casseroles were just a potluck away, PB&Js were the perfect dorm-room snack, and, hey, of course burgers and fries are a meal, it's right there in the name: Happy Meal. Yet, brussels sprouts never made it on my menu.So it was for some 35 years until, last winter, Ben and I were walking through Whole Foods and I saw them: brussels sprouts still on their stalks. They looked exactly like the sleigh bells one might have to play were she stuck doing auxiliary percussion during marching season in high school band. [Not that I would know that. How would I know that?] Superfan of Xmas, novelty instruments, and impulse buying that I am, I demanded we buy them immediately, even though I had absolutely no clue whatsoever what they tasted like or how to cook them. And that's how I fell in love with roasted brussels sprouts, my current favorite after-work snack.Anywho, here's how I ended up cooking them and still cook them today:Ingredients

• 1 lb. of brussels sprouts, fresh or frozen. [Protip: You can find packets of frozen organic brussels sprouts in most grocery stores, and Whole Foods will often have fresh ones packaged and pre-sliced in their produce section.]

• 2 tbsp of ghee. You can also use olive oil, if you prefer.

• 5-7 whole, raw garlic cloves

• Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste.

Procedure

• Pre-heat oven to 400°

• Prep your brussels sprouts: Thaw, if frozen. Clean and remove outer leaves/stem, if fresh (not pre-packaged).

• Melt ghee.

• Chop brussels sprouts in half and place into large mixing bowl along with whole garlic cloves.

• Pour melted ghee over brussels sprouts and garlic. Toss gently.

• Add salt and pepper and continue to toss until everything is lightly coated in awesome.

• Place sprout halves cut-side down onto a lined baking sheet.

• Put 'em in the oven.

• Wait for 20 minutes.

• Eat.

Boom. Easy and delicious. I tend to make a great big batch each time in the hopes of saving some for the next day, but none have ever survived the first. So, I can't tell you how they keep in the fridge. However, I will say that they reheat very nicely in a pan with a smidge of extra ghee.Enjoy!

No-Cook Vegan Chocolate Pudding

I've recently taken up cooking and, surprisingly, I don't hate it. In fact, it involves many of my existing favorite pastimes: looking at the internet, buying things, measuring things, punching things, setting things on fire. And, at the end of all that, you get to put things in your mouth. Fantastic.As I level up my cooking skill, I find myself testing the limits of what I'm prepared to eat, which, if you know me at all, is generally restricted to foods of  the "animal" and "closely associated with animals" varieties. Needless to say, when I decided I was going to try my hand at some vegan chocolate pudding I suffered a pretty substantial existential crisis. Who am I? What have I become? What is the nature of the universe? Can this be happiness, this terrifying freedom?Thankfully, almost any question can be answered with chocolate.Here's a recipe forvegan chocolate pudding. You'll need:

• 2 avocados

• 1 cup of chocolate almond milk

• 3/4 cup cocoa powder

• 3/4 cup maple syrup

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

• a pinch of sea salt

• a sprinkling of cocoa nibs, if you've got them. (I just happened to have received some for my birthday. Thanks, Melissa!)

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. The mixture will be thick (it's pudding), so you may have to whip out a spatula and stir things up a bit manually. Makes about a dozen 1/4-cup servings, depending upon the size of your avocados. Mine lasted about a week in the fridge with no discernible change in flavor before it was consumed entirely. Your mileage may vary.I've also found that the 1/4-cup serving size fits perfectly into those little mason jars you can buy at the hardware store, as pictured above. So fancy.If you end up making a batch, please let me know how it turns out. I did a taste test at work and the majority of people enjoyed it and didn't notice the avocado flavor at all.