DIY: Custom Printed Dresses

Maybe this is news to no one, but did you know you could have super cute dresses printed from your own photographs? I only found out over the weekend and it continues to blow my damn mind. Isn't technology amazing, you guys? WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?Needless to say, I've been very busy ripping up construction paper and taking pictures to create my own, one-of-a-kind prints. Look at me! I'm a textile designer!Pics and links behind the cut.All of these were created on Redbubble. It is incredibly easy to upload your own images and make any variety of objects – clothing items, prints, accessories, etc. – with your prints. Just makes sure your images are enormous. There's information about dimensions and formats right here.Anywho, just wanted to share what I think is an insanely awesome development in the world of on-demand, customized everything. The future is now!Oh, and I've also uploaded hella old photographs to make stuff out of. If you're curious, you can see my entire "portfolio" at this link.

Matchy Matchy

After last week's spot-on color matching of shoes to dress, I began to wonder what other items I own that might coordinate so perfectly. It turns out I have a lot of inexplicably, perfectly matching clothing items. How? Why? It can't be that clothing/shoe/accessory manufacturers all collude to favor a given palette each season/year (despite what Pantone would have you believe) – many of these items were purchased several years apart. Is it simply that *I* favor particular colors? No way. That can't be. I'm, like, a complex and ever-evolving woman whose tastes are informed by and are a reflection upon the zeitgeist... YEAH!Or, I just really like blue.[Vince Camuto dress, Bagatelle leather & tweed jacket, Baggu clutch, Donald J. Pliner platform sandals, vintage belt purchased on Etsy.]

Can Fatty Wear Horizontal Stripes?

stripes_edit

keystonekapers

Yeah, I think I can! I am not usually a fan of stripes. There's something sort of juvenile about them to me. Juvenile or prison-y. Stripes belong on children and old-timey, keystone kapers inmates. This dress gets a pass, though, because the stripes are not true stripes – they're all stylized and wiggley. Maybe all this busy busy is what's helping me get away with the look. That, and the blazer to streamline my more troublesome areas. Overall, I'd say it works out.Bonus: Shoes I've never worn are being put too good use! It's bizarre how perfectly they match the dress. [Wearing: H&M blazer, Vince Camuto dress, Patrizia Motta shoes]

I Got This: Patrizia Motta Platform Sandals

Remember how I said I was going to take the time to fish out all my unworn and/or forgotten purchases and show them a little love? Boom. I am doing that shit. First entry!I got these sandals for some kind of crazy bargain on Yoox. I haven't worn them yet. I was going to make excuses, but decided against it. I am going to wear these suckers... tomorrow.Take that, me!

Buying Stuff & Thinking About Buying Stuff

packed closet

You know what always sounds like a really fun time? Buying stuff. You know what's almost better than buying stuff? Thinking about buying stuff. I can spend hours just poring over shopping sites, flash sale sites, even just plain fucking Amazon. (I love you, Prime!) Well, that's got to stop. I have too much stuff. No one needs this much stuff. It's ridiculous.I've already begun working on it. Over the last few months, I've sold, given away, or thrown away dozens of giant bags of shoes and clothing. In fact, in a single week, I sold 17 pairs of shoes, the majority of which I had never even worn. That is completely absurd.Culling my closet is the first step. Additionally, I'll be making an effort not only to curb my purchase behaviors, but to reduce the time I spend simply looking at stuff and thinking about buying it. This will likely free up a good two hours of my day, every single day. Isn't that kind of horrifying? Fuck.

To reinforce these efforts, I'll also be starting yet another picture project—a sort of "item appreciation day" series of posts. There's a familiar saying: "Out of sight, out of mind." Well, if I put things in plain sight, will they become top of mind? If I make an effort to sort through all those items sitting unworn and forgotten in my closet, take pictures of them, and post those pics to this blog, my awareness of them will certainly increase dramatically. And then, perhaps I'll be more likely to make use of them. And then, perhaps I'll be less likely to feel the need to purchase new stuff.It's just so crazy it has to work! And, it starts right now.

Hooray, Technology! Focus 2 and FX Photo Studio Pro Desktop Apps

My home does not provide ideal lighting conditions for shooting self-portraits. This is only compounded by the fact that I am shooting at different times of day, whenever I have a free moment, usually in some state of rushed and unprepared. The resulting raw images are therefore, unsurprisingly, deeply in need of some sprucing up.While I can stumble my way through some Photoshop, Instagram has spoiled me. I much prefer the ease and simplicity of Instagram's Tools – with their cute little icons and their uncomplicated little sliders and their real-time preview. At last, Technology is making life easier and not an even more baffling ordeal!Unfortunately, Instagram's Tools are exclusive to their mobile app, and, for the purposes of my picture project, I need tools I can use on my computer. For the first few weeks, I did what I could with Photoshop. It wasn't great and I wasn't pleased. Then, after a spirited round of googling and downloading and googling some more, I discovered two little apps that were just what I needed: Focus 2 and FX Photo Studio.Focus 2 covers the Instagram Tools I use most frequently: Adjust, Vignette, Tilt Shift, and Sharpen. FX Photo Studio offers a slew of filters (far more than those offered by Instagram), as well as the equivalent adjustments for Instagram's Brightness, Contrast, Warmth, Saturation, Highlights, and Shadows Tools. Because both apps are developed by Macphun, working with images across the two is pretty much seamless. Another point for you, Technology!Anywho, to illustrate just how easy this shit is and how much better my whole experience has been for it, I thought I'd do a little walkthrough/tutorial of my photo-editing process. 

Step One: Open Your Photo in the Focus 2 App

Start by taking the image you want to edit (here I'm using an outtake that had already been cropped in iPhoto) and dragging it into Focus 2.

STEP TWO: Select a Focus Preset and Adjust

There are several presets to choose from, but since this image is a portrait, I'm using the PORTRAIT preset, which overlays two adjustable circles onto the image. The inner circle should encompass the area you'd like to keep in focus. The outer circle allows you to adjust the distance between in-focus and completely blurred. These constructs are more or less true for any of the presets offered. So, certainly, you should feel free to play around. In fact, you can even go CUSTOM and manually mask out an area of focus using a brush tool:At any rate, once you've adjusted the areas of focus and blur to suit your image, fiddle a bit with the APERTURE and VIGNETTE sliders until you've got it to your liking.PROTIP: You can toggle between your original and edited images at any time by pressing the spacebar.

STEP Three: TURn Auto Enhancement On (Optional)

This was a major discovery for me. The first few times I used these apps together, I saved all my color, contrast, etc., adjustments to do manually in FX Photo Studio, which honestly offers a great and user-friendly interface. However, one day, out of curiosity, I clicked the AUTO ENHANCEMENT button and... heyo!... it was pretty terrific! Admittedly, though, this is a matter of personal taste. Use it if you like. If not, I recommend skipping this step and moving on to the next.

STEP Four: Share to FX Photo Studio

Remember how I said these apps work really well together? In fact, you can share the image you've been working on in Focus 2 directly to FX Photo Studio without even saving. Just click the SHARE button in the bottom right-hand corner of the window and select the FX Photo Studio icon under the "Open In" section. It will do exactly that.

STEP Five: Make Additional Adjustments and/or Add a Filter or a Frame

Now we're in FX Photo Studio! If you skipped the Auto Enhancement step, or just think the image could use some extra attention, click the ADJUST tab in the upper right-hand corner of the FX Photo Studio window and adjust those sliders to your heart's content. When you've finished, don't forget to click APPLY. Otherwise, all your changes will be lost!I like to add a little frame to my images. To do this, start by clicking the FX EFFECTS tab at the top right. This will bring up one of those little tray thingies at the bottom of your window where you can select between EFFECTS, FRAMES, and PRESETS tabs.EFFECTS are essentially the sorts of filters you've seen in Instagram and the like, but far more numerous and sometimes really trippy or oddly specific. I tend to skip these and go straight to FRAMES. Since I've used the app before, I already have a favorite frame under FRAMES > FAVORITES, but, just like with EFFECTS, there are many, many to chose from. Anywho, if frames are your thing, once you've selected one, you can adjust it manually with the little slider on the right.

STEP Six: Save or Share

This is usually where I tap out. I just click the SAVE button in the top, left-hand corner of the window and save my image as a Jpeg to do with as I will. However, you can also export your finished image directly to a number of social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr) by clicking the SHARE button right next to SAVE.

STEP SEVEN: REVEL IN YOUR AWESOMENESS

The only thing left to do now is enjoy your awesomely enhanced new image and your awesome mastery of technology. Savor it!

Whatcha Realizing, Jerk?

whatcharealizinjerk

So, it's been exactly a month since I (re)started my self-portraits project. I thought I'd share a few high-level observations from the experience.

Observation 1: Mirrors Are Lying Liars That Tell Lies

Prior to this project, my standard morning ritual involved at least a cursory glance in the mirror before heading out the door, but no extended dawdling. During this project, however, I've been spending a great deal more time consulting the mirror, who has told me things like:

"Ehh, not bad."

"Indeed, those colors work well together."

"You are so totally pulling this off. What an off-puller, you!"

clueless_polaroids

Well, guess what: those were all horrible, horrible lies. But, it took being confronted with the photographic evidence for me to realize it. More accurate statements would have been: Actually, yes, bad. In fact, those colors work badly together and you should feel badly. The only thing you're really pulling is my eyes... from my head... because omg the pain. I can't necessarily blame the mirror, though. Lying is in his very nature. The fault is mine. This is a lesson I should have learned long ago from Clueless...  I will grant that cameras can be just as fallible and variable as mirrors, but, given the age we live in – with all its selfies, belfies (NSFW), and "Pics or it didn't happen," – photos are the rule and not the exception. I should have known the mirror was irrelevant. This whole project is about getting comfortable with being in pictures, not just looking in the mirror and calling it a day. It's just that I had expected the mirror to give at least a hint of how a finished pic might look. Turns out the only real way to find out how something will look in a photograph is by putting it in a photograph. Who'd a thunk?

Observation 2: Covering Up My body Isn't Helping

homemade ghost costume

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7QSNulqPgM]Since our expulsion from the garden of eden, humankind has known instinctively to hide its shame. But what do you do when you're ashamed of your whole body?Just like my fat-ass spectral friend here, I have taken to covering up fairly extensively – long sleeves, long skirts, tall boots, high necklines. Now, none of these things is bad per se and, in fact, they can be pretty and even quite stylish. But, what I've found is that the combination of all of them, used consistently over many repeated outfits, only seems to call attention to the fact that I'm trying to hide – to make more noticeable my discomfort with my own body. This is exactly what I'm hoping to avoid.You've probably heard some fashion-y quote like, "Outfits are the armor you wear to face the day." There's something to that, for sure. Clothes really can impact your attitude, comportment, confidence, and the perceptions of others. But, for me, my outfits have crossed that fine line between confidence booster and giant, swaddling, full-body security blanket. This is not to say that from here on out it's all pasties and hot pants. I'll probably simply try pairing my more conservative staples with less conservative ones – maybe show a little knee or elbow now and again, perhaps even a glimpse of collarbone (I think I still have those). Baby steps.But, wait. Was your knee-jerk response to this observation "You have nothing to be ashamed of! Just don't feel ashamed"? Well, that brings me to observation number 3...

Observation 3: It doesn't matter what other people think (If what they think is Positive)

For the Simpsons-impaired: Link

criticism

I don't mean this as some sort of Pinterest-y, quotation-over-landscape, soft-focus palliative. I believe the "I'm-just-gonna-keep-doing-me-and-if-other-people-have-a-problem-with-it-that's-on-them" attitude can be incredibly problematic and, when taken to it's furthest extent, just plain stupid...You know what? Maybe some folks should question themselves and what they're up to more often. Isn't it more infuriating when some asshole never doubts for a moment how forthright and just is his cause? Self-doubt and nagging internal recriminations have plagued some of the best and smartest folks I know. It's part of what makes them so great, and allows them to become even better.What I mean by saying that it doesn't matter what others think is that, ultimately, the opinions of others can do very little to bolster my feelings of self-worth or my own opinions of my abilities, appearance, etc. If all it took for me to feel happy with my appearance were the compliments of others, my boyfriend alone would have me thinking I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. While I respect his opinions (eh, more or less...), and such sweet/kind words fill me with warm/fuzzy feelings, and I'm grateful that he thinks so highly of me, none of it changes the way I feel about myself.Consider the familiar examples of models with body-image issues, or pretty much every successful person who's experienced imposter syndrome. The world is telling these folks in no uncertain terms that whatever they're doing, they're do it right, but the praise/accolades are just background noise (albeit, fairly pleasant background noise) to the much stronger signal of self-criticism.The same is not true for the negative opinions of others, though. Those seem only to reinforce whatever ill opinions one may already possess. To continue with the sound analogy above, external criticism only amplifies the internal signal, just like constructive interference, but, hey, let's give it the more charitable name of "Constructive Criticism."See? This illustration has waves, mathematical symbols, and graph paper...  That's science! You have to believe science! But, really, think about your own experiences (provided you're not an asshole). When someone says something positive to you, do you not just pass it off as kindness or flattery? But, if that same person says something negative, doesn't it simply confirm your worst fears? I'm not sure why we have such double standards for the opinions of others, but we do and it sucks.All this said, my hope is that by recognizing and calling out the above issues, I position myself to address and maybe even overcome them. Or, not. Who knows? Either way, the project continues and I will, no doubt, have more to share soon. Thanks for reading.

Tiger

You know, I was really excited to wear this outfit and thought it was going to be so rad (TIGER PRINT!), but, as soon as I saw the pictures... ehhhhh. I think what's bothering me is that it's a much shorter dress than I would normally wear (I am scandalized by the appearance of my own knees!), and the white jacket just looks a lot boxier than it did in the mirror (oh, those filthy, lying mirrors!) Also, It looks like I'm flexing my big toes. I should probably paint those suckers, too.I was really hoping I'd be better at this by now. :(But, hey, I've managed four straight weeks of outfit posts! That's gotta be a new record for me![Wearing: Julie Brown dress, Eliza J jacket, Taryn Rose sandals, Hobo wristlet.]

Crazy Hair, Don't Care

I think I've mentioned before that I always put my hair up when I know I'm going to be outside for any length of time. The above is what happens when my hair thingie breaks on my way home.To be honest, it's not a half-bad look. Maybe a little frizzy, but I do love myself some big hair.P.S. A post with my hair down means one more week without cutting my hair. Woohoo![Wearing: Michael Kors dress, Taryn Rose sandals, Mimic Designs clutch.]

So I Guess I Own a Vest

If there's one thing I never thought I'd be, it's a person who owns a vest. Growing up in the Texas panhandle, vests had fairly specific and unironic use cases: working at a hardware store, going to the rodeo, being a mom at Xmas. So, naturally, as I'm not particularly inclined toward any of these activities, I find myself genuinely surprised to be now in possession of a vest. Who am I? What have I become? And, what exactly do I do with this vest?Today, I endeavored to answer all of these questions, but the first one turned out to be really hard and the second one kinda depended on answering the first. So, I settled on answering just this last question by attempting three separate outfits using my vest. "My vest." What a strange and alien phrase. I'm glad I'm only typing it. I doubt I could speak it aloud.Anywho, since I'm only a beginner at this whole wearing-of-vests thing, I elected to simplify the effort further by wearing the same boots with each outfit. And the same hair. And the same makeup. And no accessories. So... yeah, I kinda only switched out the dress each time. That still counts, right? C'mon, I'm learning.How'd I do?First Attempt: Eliza J DressFor my first attempt, I picked a really simple boatneck dress I got sometime last year, but never got around to wearing. (In fact, this is the first time I've worn any of the dresses in this post.) While I think the color combination came out alright, I just felt really... covered up. Now, there's certainly nothing wrong with dressing "modestly," but I fear that I have taken to "covering up" as a response to my discomfort with my body. That's something I'd like to remedy.

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Second Attempt: Fuzzi Dress (Purple)For my second attempt, I picked a slightly more revealing v-neck Fuzzi dress with sheer sleeves. I admit that this is hardly revealing by the average person's standards. But, if you know me at all, you may have noticed that I never expose my upper arms. This is thanks to some unpleasant scars that folks always feel the need to comment on. When I chose this dress, I had hoped that the sleeves would obscure the scars enough to go unnoticed. Not so much. So, full disclosure: I photoshopped out my scars. Still, I felt like the overall outfit came out fairly well and was definitely a step outside my comfort zone. (Did I mention the arms thing?)

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Third Attempt: Fuzzi Dress (Blue)For my final attempt, I figured "fuck it," and went not only for the sheer sleeves, but also the very deep v-neck of the most form-fitting dress I own. I thought I might be able to pull it off as the vest would offset and/or disguise my most troublesome area (see: big ole belly). You know what? I think it kinda worked. I might even feel comfortable enough to wear this outfit outside the house. Vest magic!Perhaps I've misjudged vests and the ownership thereof. Perhaps I'm wrong about a lot of things. Perhaps I should reevaluate other of my long-held beliefs and prejudices.Or not. It's just a vest.[In all outfits: Bagatelle leather vest and Stuart Weitzman boots.]

Letting My Hair Down

I have a habit of always putting my hair up in some sort of claw or clampy thing. I adopted it when I was taking public transit and/or walking to work all the time and just didn't want my hair blowing in my face all willy-nilly. But, it's gotten to the point where my hair is almost always up and that just needs to stop. Why even bother having such long hair if I'm just going to pile it on top of my head for none to see?I'm going to make an effort to wear my hair down at least once a week. If I can't do that, then I should probably just cut it short. Deal?Anywho, wearing yet another Leota dress and another pair of Stuart Weitzman boots (this time with a wedge heel). Kinda felt like the print of the dress was too busy to add accessories, but perhaps a solid white scarf would have been a nice addition. Next time...

Big Plaid Scarf

This scarf is ginromous. It is pretty much a blanket. It has its own zip code. Lesser scarves are trapped in its gravitational pull, only to be crushed, devoured, and absorbed into its own supermassive core. You do not wear this scarf, it wears you. It is also plaid.In a bit of a hurry this morning. Wearing another Leota dress (I love Leota dresses... so comfy), Calvin Klein jacket, Stuart Weitzman boots (again), and a big plaid scarf from the oldest corners of the universe.

Back in the Saddle

A few years ago, I vowed to start taking outfit pics of myself every week for a year in an effort to 1) become more comfortable in front of a camera, 2) come to terms with my size/weight and 3) put more effort into getting dressed. That first attempt lasted about a month. But, hey, what a month! Let's hear it for unrealistic expectations!In the spirit of the new year and all that that entails, I'm revisiting the outfit pics project with newfound vigor and determination. At the very least, I intend it to last longer than a month. Let's hear it for realistic goals!Anywho, today I am wearing a Leota Amelia dress in Day at the Races (purchased on super sale via Rue La La), a Daniel Rainn jacket (via Hautelook), and some Stuart Weitzman 5050s (via SaksOff5th). There's some jewelry and even a handbag in there, but you can't really make them out. :/Happy new year, etc.

Pink Panther Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Flat

Once upon a time I didn't believe in flats. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledged that they existed. They were just for other people, not for me. To my mind, the sorts of people who wore flats were the same sort who might show up at your house unannounced. Or, who might ask you to water their plants while they're at Burning Man. Or, who might invite you out to lunch, but could you pick them up? And, since you're driving anyway, would you mind driving them to run a few errands? And, did they mention their cat has to come along because its been vomiting a lot and they need to keep an eye on it? Those tricky flat-wearers, treading so quietly in their no-heeled shoes, pouncing out of nowhere thanks to exceptional arch support and multi-surface traction, destroying your otherwise perfect day of solitude and the absence of cat vomit with their sneaky, sneaker-wearing ways. Bah! Well, that's what I used to think of people who wore flats. Used to. Sometime in the intervening years since my very dark thoughts on the matter of flats, a flip was switched and I simply stopped buying heels. It was flats or nothing. In fact, this summer, I wore Birkenstocks nearly every day. [They're on trend, damn you!]It wasn't something I had reflected on too much until this last weekend, when I had a small and sudden "what-have-I-become?" moment and became determined to remedy it by buying some grossly impractical shoes. They were gonna be so nuts. They were gonna be 10-inches tall and made of glass shards. A tiny marine ecosystem of tiny box jellyfish would be housed in each heel, and each footbed would be a tiny bed of nails. And, they would be hot. Like, actual temperature hot, molten lead – not "sexy" hot... who talks that way anymore?But strangely, as I was looking at all those terrifying shoes, captivated by their sheer absurdity, a singular and precise thought came to me: Fuck it. I can absolutely appreciate the beauty of a well-crafted heel, but to purchase those shoes, any of them, would be to throw money at yet another box to collect dust in my closet. I didn't stop wearing heels because I suddenly, inexplicably stopped buying them. I stopped buying them because I wasn't wearing them, because they just didn't make sense for me anymore.The truth is, my own taste for flash and frivolity has given way to comfort and practicality, bolstered by the fact that I've moved from a lifestyle of driving around in cars to one of standing around on MUNI (and often in the various, slippery excreta of my fellow passengers). Where my thinking went all kinds of screwy was in blaming this change on age and "giving up," when what I genuinely believe is going on is that I'm finally making choices based on what works for me and makes me feel comfortable – whether in my clothes or in myself. Feeling comfortable is awesome. There is no one that I am so interested in impressing that I would make myself physically uncomfortable to do so. If this attitude is simply a byproduct of aging, then aging is awesome and we should all do more of it.Anywho, long story short (too late), I ended up buying these very comfortable, very practical, totally flashy, totally frivolous, hot pink, leopard-print, calf-hair, slip-on sneakers. Whoever designed the shoebox is either a genius who completely understands the challenging and uneasy relationship a lady can have with her footwear and how said footwear are unfairly deemed analogous to her station in life; or is, in fact, a 14-year-old girl.I paid retail at Nordstrom for these shoes, like a sucker, but you can get them on sale on Shopbop or Revolve, if you're interested.

The Wayback Machine - REPOST: OMG A Post About Shoe Care

To spruce up this new blog with a little content, please find below what proved to be a surprisingly popular post on my now defunct self-improvement blog which I started...oh, about this time last year. Ha.... That's not gonna happen with this blog. No, sir. [...shifty eyes...]

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was 5 foot 9.The first of many adulthood disappointments, I only grew to 5 foot 7.To compensate for my shortfall [heyo!], I wear a lot of high-heeled shoes. As you may have read in a previous post, I really enjoy looming over others—just standing there, kinda menacingly but with no expressed malice. I am also keen on the fact that one's shoe size remains fairly static, however one's weight may fluctuate. In summary, shoes are awesome and we should all buy a bunch of them. Yay!

Anywho, in the dual interests of protecting my investments and making them bearable to walk in, I have assembled the following tiny arsenal of products... Behind the cut, just a whole bunch of text that is, like, long and boring. Seriously, it's about shoe care. How fun could I possibly make it?

SURPRISE! It's a red panda! Look at that guy, acting all bipedal. He think's he's people.

Okay. Shoe stuff.

1 )Frye Leather Conditioning Cream -- I use this on smooth leather boots or on any stiff leather shoes that need a little softening. It makes everything feel luxe and buttery and also helps prevent drying and cracking. Most importantly, it gives me the opportunity to pretend I'm a 19th-century Cockney bootblack. [If you understand this reference, you are either Janice or another totally awesome person.]

2 )Insolia High Heel Inserts -- I never wear heels over 4 inches high unless they have a platform. I just can't hack it, man. But, even with the platforms and the lower heels, my feet get tired. My body is just a little too hefty to be comfortably supported by a stiletto heel and an inch of ball of foot. In the interest of being able to wear my precious, precious heels even an hour longer, I have tried pretty much every shoe insert I could get my hands on, from drugstore brands to those department store petals. These are my current favorites, particularly because they're available in different sizes. That "for sizes 6-10" nonsense is... nonsense.

3 )2-Way Shoe Stretchers -- Sometimes I'll like a shoe so much that even if it's a half-size too small, I'll buy it anyway. These shoe stretchers have allowed me to indulge this impulse with abandon. They adjust both in width and length, stretching a shoe from the toe box to the heel counter. You can actually have this done at a shoe repair shop, but I prefer 1) having some control over the degree to which they're stretched and 2) not paying someone to do something I can do myself.

4 ) Shoe Stretch Spray [I can't find the brand I have online, but here's a similar one] -- I use this in conjunction with the shoe stretchers to speed along the process. I also use it alone, when shoes just need a wee bit of breaking in. A couple of quick sprays before putting on your shoes for the day seems to work nicely.

5 )Kiwi Suede & Nubuck Protector -- This one's self-explanatory, right?

6 )Apple Rain & Stain Repellent -- I actually purchased this stuff for my fancy purses, but often use it on my fancier shoes. I chose this particular item because, during my extensive and shamelessly dorky research of handbag and shoe care, the Apple brand of products always came out as the most highly recommended by those in the know -- cobblers, stylists, ladies with a bunch of money. There's a clear lesson here: Macs are better than PCs.

7 )Dr. Scholl's® For Her Rub Relief™Stick -- I like to keep a "contingency plan bag" in my purse. In it you'll find safety pins, hair clips, band-aids, hand sanitizer, a pack of moist towelettes (hand sanitizer does NOTHING for barbecue sauce), a mini stain eraser (did I mention barbecue sauce?), sunscreen, ibuprofen, ginger (for motion sickness), tweezers, nail clippers, dental floss, breath mints, lip balm, hand cream, mascara, mattifying powder (with mini kabuki brush), rubber bands, apparel tape and this stuff. Even with all the crap I have to take care of my shoes, sometimes they still rub me the wrong way. This stuff relieves a bit of the friction and helps prevent blisters. [Note: Maybe if I laid off the barbecue sauce, I could cut down on the contents of my contingency plan bag. Alternatively, maybe I should add barbecue sauce to my contingency plan bag.]

8 )Dr. Scholl's® For Her Rub Relief™ Strips -- If I know there are specific spots in my shoes that consistently rub or cause discomfort, I apply a little strip of this stuff to them. These strips are inexpensive, widely available and can easily be removed from your shoes without any damage.Now wasn't this thrillingfascinatinginformative adequate? If you made it all the way through this post, I commend you. Here's a hug: HUG.

An Observation: Tiny Hats

During some recent internet window shopping, I stumbled upon an unsettling trend: tiny hats. What is with these tiny hats? Are there women who fear their heads simply do not appear large enough and who must compensate by wearing a doll’s hat? Is “hydroencephalitic” a look we are actively attempting to cultivate? I am confused and befuddled. As a person with a rather enormous noggin, it has never occurred to me to accentuate this fact. “I have the head of a giant and mock your mortal accessories! They are as a child’s plaything to me! Look on my head, ye mighty, and despair!“ Personally, I approach with apprehension any trend that can be traced back to Homer Simpson — particularly Homer Simpson as a prison snitch (though he does seem to be enjoying that tiny hat immensely). From left to right:

• Rad Hatter Fascinator @ ModCloth.

• April Mini Chapeau Headband @ FredFlare.

• Small Begginings Fascinator @ ModCloth.

Edited to Add: Tim & Eric recognized this market long ago: VIDEO.

Sanity Savers

Another day, another million little hassles. Paper cuts, shoe scuffs, running out of toilet paper — it’s a wonder you can overcome the paralyzing fear of what new terrors await you in the world and even get out of bed in the morning. I applaud you, ladies and gentlemen, for having the courage and perseverance simply to exist. Clap, clap, clap.I, too, find everyday existence kind of a struggle. It’s the little things that get you, you know? Well, today I’d like to share with you three simple solutions to those little things that get you. These items help spare my sanity on a daily basis.

1) THE BRACELET BUDDY

Over the years, my parents have gifted me with all kinds of fancy jewelry items. They’re very pretty and I wish I could wear them all the time. Alas, things like delicate little diamond bracelets are a total bitch to put on by oneself. Actually, they’re kind of a bitch to put on even with B–’s (my significant other) help. I’ve got arthritis and he’s got man hands. It just doesn’t work out.But, thanks to a late night spent watching the History Channel (Ancient Aliens, anyone?), I discovered the Bracelet Buddy, and my bracelet-wearing woes were at an end.

The Bracelet Buddy is an inexpensive little tool that holds one end of your bracelet in place while you secure the clasp. Although, I must say that, while it is an exceptionally useful doodad, I can’t help but think that I could have achieved something similar with, say, an alligator clip, a chopstick and some gold spray paint.

If you have these items in your possession, you pretty much have a bracelet buddy.

2) NICKEL GUARD

Though I have been lucky enough to receive some fine jewelry from my parents and from B–, the greater portion of my jewelry and accessories, things I buy for myself within my limited budget, is not of the fancy variety. This poses yet another problem, as it turns out I am allergic to pretty much every metal that isn’t gold or platinum… so, basically, everything. [Maybe this is why I don't wear enough accessories?] Anywho, while simple avoidance seems to be the going prescription for metal allergies, I somehow get away with wearing costume jewelry and accessories, thanks to 

Nickel Guard

.

Nickel appears to be the chief allergen in costume jewelry (and even some of the buttons on your clothes) and isbanned from use in the manufacture of personal accessories in several countries, but not in the States. Nickel allergies can be quite serious and can require medical attention, so please don’t take my suggestions as legitimate, medical advice. My experience is simply that: my experience.

You may have heard that a coat of clear nail polish can serve as an effective, protective barrier between your skin and allergy-causing metals. I’ve heard this, too, and it’s kind of how I happened upon Nickel Guard. I had to know if it was true. Well, according to an article in Entrepreneur magazine, it is. However, the article alluded to another product that proved more effective than nail polish:

Dr. Anderson and his colleagues compared barrier coatings such as clear nail polish, nail hardener, Super Glue, and Nickel Guard; they found Beauty Secrets Nail Hardener to be the most cost-effective option (Dermatitis 2008; 19:28-31).Nickel Guard (Athena Allergy) was found to be more effective than Beauty Secrets Nail Hardener, but it is more expensive and harder to find–it generally has to be ordered online, noted Dr. Anderson, who reported having no relevant disclosures.

Well, I had to have the that. Why wouldn’t I want something that’s more effective at preventing my hideous transformation into a rash-covered, lobster monster? As far as cost is concerned, it actually isn’t that much more expensive than a fancy, brandname nail polish. Harder to find? This is the internet! How hard could it possibly be? Besides, ordering online is my preferred method of ordering anything. Google that shit. Done. WINNING.In my experience, Nickel Guard has consistently allowedme to wear jewelry and accessories of questionable provenance without a problem. Be forewarned, however, just like nail polish, this stuff has a rather strong smell and should be allowed to air out and dry completely before wearing.

3) Static Spray by The Laundress

I chose to write about this item because I’m going to be using it today, when I finally get around to washing up and pulling on a vintage dress. Do you remember static cling? I had all but forgotten about it until I started wearing vintage. Now, it is the bane of my existence. To me, it is the most perfect, non-human, physical embodiment of “annoying.” It’s not harmful or dangerous. It’s just a persistent nuisance that arises out of simple physical processes that, though we may understand them, happen at a level (atomic) so minute as to escape our unaided, immediate perception and therefore, to my mind, is equivalent to some sort of witchcraft. Sure, it’s not dangerous, but it is evil.To combat the scourge of static cling, I mist the insides of my dresses with a healthy dose of the Static Solution by The Laundress. There are several other anti-static sprays on the market, but I’ve found this one to be the least offensive in terms of odor. The fragrance is actually kind of pleasant. Also, the spray bottle is small enough to tuck into your purse for use later in the day. Win.Okey dokey. Hope you might have found this useful. I have many, many other sanity savers to share with you if you did. Have a good Wednesday.

Stretching Some Shoes

Over the weekend I chanced upon some wicked awesome shoes. They had so much going for them: They were bright orange! They were platform wedges! They were 60% off retail! But, as luck would have it, the last available pair was a half size smaller than my usual. Undeterred, I tried them on. The length of the footbed matched my foot just fine, but the shoes were so tight at the vamp that I could barely squeeze my toes in, leaving my heel dangling off the back. I bought them anyway. Hey, I figured this would make for an excellent opportunity to document how exactly I go about stretching some shoes. Also, omg they’re so cute and make me so tall.  First, I misted the underside of the vamp with several pumps of shoe stretch spray. Then, I inserted the shoe stretchers and adjusted them until they were just a few turns beyond taut. This is a bit difficult to explain, but while adjusting the stretchers, you’ll reach a point when you first begin to feel resistance. In my experience, you don’t want to do too much stretching beyond this point. Even an eighth of an inch can make quite a bit of difference in fit and leather shoes will naturally give and stretch with wear. Remember, you can always stretch shoes just a tiny bit more, but once they’re overstretched, there’s no going back. Anyway, I left the stretchers in the shoes overnight. And in the morning… …they fit! They’re still a bit snug here and there, but it’s nothing a little wear and extra shoe stretch spray can’t fix. I am so happy with them. WOOHOO! WOOHOO!

Closet Organization

Outfit posts are on hold while I figure out how to take a self-portrait. There doesn’t seem to be a good space in the house for it and the back yard attempts failed utterly due to poor lighting and a general lack of photographic know-how.So, today I offer a little peek into my closet and how I’ve chosen to organize it. My closet is, for the most part, chaotic but for the few little havens of organization I’m sharing today. I have a little arsenal of products I like to keep on hand in case of emergencies: products to keep bra straps from falling or boot necks from sinking; products for cleaning and buffing and polishing; products for generally keeping one’s appearance tidy. At some point I will do a post about my favorite products and their uses. It will be thrilling informative.Did you know that the average woman will spend $25,000 on shoes in her lifetime and will own around 470 total pairs of shoes? I did, and to this I say: We really must do something about heart disease, because women must be living some exceptionally short lives. Shoes > leading killer of women FOREVER.Anywho, I like shoes. I like looking at them almost more than I Iike wearing them. The pictures on the boxes help.BELTS. When I think of my belt rack I think of that scene in Wayne’s World where Stacy (Wayne’s ex-girlfriend) gives him a gun rack as a present. “A gun rack? I don’t even own A gun.” Not too long ago, I didn’t even own A belt. Something mysterious and unsettling has happened since then, I guess, but the net result was BELTS.Yes. Fascinating stuff.